All Conversations in My Heart
Friday, July 30, 2010
  Meditation or Contemplation.
Meditation or contemplation is there a difference? For me there is. I find that I used to meditate upon incidents in the life of God found in the Rosary and the Scriptures. Over the last while I find I am more in Contemplation of God in His Persona, I mean in His actions that are His attributes. Interiorly I can only describe I see Him as a Consuming Fire of Terrible Jealous Love.
So often I see this overpowering towering Flame so high above me it is astounding. If you read back in my blogs you will find where I started at the bottom and what I contemplated so deeply in the interior part of my soul. I believe it is that place Teresa of Avila, so beautiful and pure in her sainthood, called the interior chamber of our soul. I watched in the illumination of this burning light as sparks left glowing brightly, sparks that twinkled so brightly. I watched with trepidation as sparks returned that were no more than spent ashes to drop into a deep pit at the foot of the flames and as others barely lit hovered around in the currents that surrounded the Flame. Blessed Jan de Ruysbrook wrote about these sparks in His "Spiritual Espousals".as did St Jose Maris Escriva, in "Christ Passing by". Lately I have watched at the Flame from a higher viewpoint as the Power in It seems to have changed from red to a burning white light. It is now for me, such a powerful light. As I stare with the eyes of my soul at this light I wonder if I am reaching to some end, some conclusion and I cannot seem to find an answer. I have prayed and demanded as politely as I can for several months now, not a daily prayer but one I feel is necessary.for me to do. An action that is my penance for the comments I get or people make sure I hear. You see I was a dreadful example of my Faith and I believe that as when you throw a pebble in a lake, the ripples spread outwards so may example be sent out to the eyes of many. I know so many souls have lost their salt and it was my fault. What do I pray for as I must? I pray that I  stay alive long enough to give a better example, as Jesus told us we should, to more souls  than the ones my example has led astray.
You ask, and many will sneer, many think what an idiot and perhaps I am, yet I confess often I have not loved others as You have loved me. What do I get in the confessional, well one erudite Priest told me as I confessed to not keeping both of the great commandments because breaking one is breaking the other, he urged me not to get into a urinating contest with God and he used a coarser word than urinating, I can assure you. Yet another priest did not advise, did not teach, but strongly instructed me not to stop being the example he and his community saw. On two separate occasions this he demanded of me. I hope I have obliged him.

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