All Conversations in My Heart
Thursday, December 02, 2010
  Iscariotism in me
I wonder many times, and often times of how I stand before God, how He views me. Does, I think, my nature cause Him to grit His teeth, even gnash them. I often pray the thirty days prayer in honor of the Passion and make the first petition, "that I get it right and fulfill His will to the degree I am capable of".
Many times a week, "I make lists of my foibles, my short tempered actions and compare them sometimes with Judas Iscariot and see if I follow his path that had a form of jealousy and anger at what Judas considered how God misused His Power. I mean that He does not do what I want. The prayers many of us do offer or ask rewards for unfortunately, and then I look at me lack of faith. I would say that for all of you it would be a good act to try. This venturing into the sinful world of Judas is to me, and my mind often fills with this word, the sin of "Iscariotism"
You will find at first, I say little by little, how selfish are your or my perceived needs and as I found, a sorrow for my behavior slowly crept in and there came a time when I was seized and taken aback with a sudden horror at what I was asking. It seemed on reflection that my prayers were answered in a way that I did not want. Better things, (in the same reflections) were happening than I could have expected for my prayers. It was as though a force was beating at my intellect telling me, urging me, to get sensible. The sorrow I felt was twofold very strong on how I was most likely offending God with my prayers, and then I did not comprehend what God was wanting for the one for whom I was praying. I felt that for some reason the person needed the personal pain to go through a metanoia. I began to see in my wishes for others a flavor of what I have began to call Iscariotism a personal delight in my ego as I wanted God to use His power for me to look good in the eyes of the rulers at the synagogue. Although only a little while later this was explained Heaven did not see me this way, although there are so many that are. Among these are the Pharasitical Elders that have sprang up amongst the laity, those who called attention to themselves by their Lord! Lord! or Holy Holy. They supplanted the idea of God in their hearts and minds with themselves as version of The Almighty. I truly hope that all those months and years ago as I started this path that I have rescued myself through the help of His Grace.
I can understand, and so far I have no misgivings, nor have I had any spiritual anxiety attacks, which I do consider as attacks of conscience even warnings from my soul of sinful attacks upon the peace of God which I may have achieved, I see my sins more objectively and certainly more explicit in their presence and have come to observe these errors in others. As I observe these problems in my brothers and sisters in Christ so I compare them with my lifestyle from before and now. If I am still doing those things I notice I try to tell them kindly as they are as scriptures say the large splinter in my spiritual sight. I am only explicit and demanding of change if they are ones that I have never done. One is the lack of confessions, two the teachings that are never done and lack of Charity and so much more is the lack of the Virtue of Religion no longer practiced mostly in the Church before the altar and the Eucharist. Because of my life, there is not much I can criticize and so much I have to be kind to others. Although I can say many reactions to my warnings, mostly polite are never noticed, yet there are times that reactions are so verbally violent, causing in many such an uproar from the perceived attack upon many egos, it is not worth the hassle of trying to be kind.

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