All Conversations in My Heart
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
  Forgive my intrusion
Sometimes I find Catholics very opinionated, myself included, and due to the state of catechetical teachings so many of our opinions are not well grounded in the faith. They are in many cases only that are naught but opinions and due to our personal pride they are unshakable. I also state equivocally, rather confess is a truer statement, on my part this blog is a not only a personal confession but also a self condemnatory truth. We defend ourselves and our points of view it seems, by using Church directives to destroy our opponents in a spiritual manner. I ask myself why and find that I am so proud of myself and I make the demand you see me as right. Dreadful is the eternity I am choosing for myself. How often I ask in the confessional for forgiveness. I am never easy in my feelings about myself until as Father Faber wrote, “I can never feel easy about myself until I have laid that sure foundation of saintly living, the practice of Sacramental Confession. The longer I live, and the more experience I have in the conduct of my soul, the more deeply convinced I am, that in these days it is almost the only safeguard against self-delusion”.
Like any of us who use the Confessional, I promise to try harder but many times, so many times my wishes and promises are all in vain. How often I have to return and confess, last time I confessed I promised not to sin this way again by an act of contrition, that firm purpose of amendment we make so many catholics are not cognizant with nor have not be made aware of its importance. To defend ourselves we attack the messenger, and who’s to say it is not the Holy Spirit, the reminding Paraclete who delivers such a wake up call to our conscience? We use phrases like, “You are not very humble”. Meaning at times I feel, “Kiss my feet you bounder”. I hear from some, “You are very judgmental”. How often have I been told or described as being from the dark side. Yet I can assure you I have asked the Local Ordinary for help in disproving this accusation as it a matter concerning possession. I never received an answer. Some say your are hypocritical. I tell myself think deeper and pray for guidance. I do not mind at all being critiqued, or have observations made about the standards of my education, my beliefs, my example as a Catholic. Why should I? I can and do ask all of you, for goodness sakes, as I strive for accuracy in my life, to seek the same for yours. You must of course be accurate. I check for the fruits in my life. Can you say the same? I check my conscience daily. What about your days. I am a sinner, am I the only one? They, the fruits are there for all of us who practice our CATHOLIC faith in the way Christ told and showed us. Do we have to refuse these fruits, these gifts, push them aside by harboring cruel vengeful thoughts. I mean thoughts like who does he think he or she is. He is not holy. These fruits are there for those who meaningfully look into their our consciences and keep them informed.
Personally, it is my dearest wish for which I hope and pray. I want to be a card carrying Mystical Practicing, big ‘C’ Catholic in the proper sense and living an appropriate way of life by using the Holy Mysteries of the Church at every opportunity. Let me explain as I have in the past. I make no claim to the supernatural, although the way my prayers are answered, blessed is a better description, this at times amazes me. So then how am I mystical? I am mystical in the proper sense. I live a life, in which I regularly using the Holy Sacramental Mysteries of the Church. I am baptized a Catholic, I go to Confession, every two weeks, but more often than not, every week. I try to live a life of gratitude, thanksgiving for all the times the Church through the Sacraments has rescued me from grave sin. I pray as much as I can for others. Asking Jesus to help me with His second great commandment reminding Him I’m not good at obeying It and asking for Him to help others and allow His blessings to count as work was done by me. I do this when It is just not possible due to expense, time and distance to visit with them.
Sometimes we, all of us, are tormented by self love, and discernment is needed. Self Love is found in despair when we feel we are unable to get things done or actions completed. For me I have sit down and say, "Almighty God, Lover of Mankind, I have started this and am going nowhere help me so I do not go astray". How then can we see His help? Many times in a way, not apparent because of our impatience, the way becomes a little clearer for us. I can only think and add as long as our minds become a little purer, and our temper a little calmer, and our thoughts a little more formed in God, yet even if we note these improvements are small, we must consider them not to be signs but proofs of Christ being with us. It would be a state we could not endure if it were not so.
Just lately I have slowed down due to a medical operation. I attend mass. I have been confirmed and therefore since priests have not thrown me out of the confessional, not refused me Holy Communion I must consider myself a Mystical Catholic. I pray very often during the day and think sometimes, without realizing until later, about my relationship with God and others. I examine my conscience daily and always ask in Christ’s words, “My My God how have I forsaken You? In what manner have I defied You?” I have determined that I must never desert Him and treat any suggestions by my mind or others’ suggestions as temptations. I live through temptations that sometimes are horrific in the pressure they bring to my mind. They are, as early Byzantine Fathers wrote, bitter, horrible and cruel memories. I have come to realize that what Christ told us in scriptures is very true. That is, “They will throw you out of the synagogues, they will attack you and hurt you, convinced they are pleasing God.”

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